Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
