Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i think i have two assholes
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
