My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
