I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
