You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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