you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
