i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
