That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
