u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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