I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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