RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
