I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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