I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize