Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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