hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
