I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
