Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
