I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
