you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I FOUND THE LEGS
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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