I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
