Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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