drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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