I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
