i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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