My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
