remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
