I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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