No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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