I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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