Swine flu. Run for my life!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
