Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
