Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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