My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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