so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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