dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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