based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize