Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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