I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
