It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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