I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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