Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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