She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
