Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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