so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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