I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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