I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize