The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She said her name was "party"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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