i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My liver just had a heart attack.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
