My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
