We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
