smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
my liver is dry heaving
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
