This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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