Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
