I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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