I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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