first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
