After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize