Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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