belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
