good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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