I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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