i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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