I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
